You crazy, paranoid Americans and your walls. Always with the walls. Usually you’re yapping semi-coherently about wanting one along the Mexican border, or more accurately finishing that one, but now some of the looniest in your midst, hello Republicans, have openly fantasized about erecting a wall along the Canadian border. A 2015 survey found an astounding 41% of United States citizens support a “brick and mortar” wall along the Canadian border. It’s such a ridiculous concept I’m almost hoping to see you try. The specs alone would be fascinating, never mind the cost. Would we have any input on brick size and colour or the pattern in which they are laid since we would have to look at the other side of your wall? Not that we’re being picky, what with you paying for the whole silly thing and all, it’s just that you Yankee Doodle Dandians aren’t exactly renowned for your subtly.
There Already Is A Border Wall!
I’m going to do you a solid, here. Let you in on a little secret. A show of goodwill on account of us being continental cousins ‘n all. There already is a wall along the border of our two countries. Seriously! Oh it’s an invisible wall but it’s there, all right, and it’s remarkably durable and effective. It’s a wall fabricated solely within the marketing offices of giant global food corporations headquartered within your borders and it has an uncanny ability to keep thousands of awesome processed foodstuffs out of Canada. My word isn’t good enough? You need proof? Let’s talk Kellogg’s Pop Tarts.
Everybody loves Pop Tarts. Oh, you may not eat them now, but you did at least once in your life and you loved them. They are the perfect pointless processed food. I haven’t eaten one in many years but there was a time when I consumed an unflattering number of these toaster-friendly pastry treats. I ate them as a breakfast food, which they universally seem to be accepted as for reasons beyond logic, but also as a between meal snack or even as a dessert. They are nothing if not versatile. My personal favourite flavour, and by the end pretty much the only flavor I’d eat, is Frosted Chocolate Fudge. Just writing that has caused a Pavlovian salivatory response. They are just so, so good those beautiful little, foil-packaged, brown rectangles of chocolate rapture.
This is not to say I liked the other flavours any less, not at all. The fruit filled ones, what I consider the healthy varieties, are still very tasty. If I recall correctly, there was a bulk box sampler pack of twenty-four or so that came with chocolate and three berry flavours: raspberry, strawberry, and blueberry. The chocolate would get eaten first, obviously, but I wasn’t tossing the others in the trash I can assure you. I particularly liked Frosted Blueberry. If only real blueberries tasted like that! I’d replace my lawn with property line to property line blueberry bushes and eat myself into Violet Beauregarde.
That magical box of assorted Pop Tarts flavours actually makes for a neatly packaged representation of this invisible, evil wall between Canada and the United States of America of which I speak. I will now share some facts that should, that will, shock you and confuse you and rightly dismay you. I will present to you evidence of a travesty that can never be justified yet continues unchallenged to this very day. What’s worse, this Pop Tarts evidence is but one of myriad examples proving that Corporate America has systemically and grievously defrauded and dishonoured the innocent New World brethren and sistren to the north.
Above is a picture of the typical Pop Tarts selection available at my local, big chain Canadian grocery store. It’s not exactly inspiring is it? A small handful of flavours on offer, tucked away on a shelf near the floor beneath a cornucopia of granola bars that’d make John Denver quiver. Now go to Kellogg’s Canadian website and check out their Pop Tarts page. There you will find that Kellogg’s sells the following six, SIX, flavours of toaster pastries in Canada:
Frosted Chocolate Fudge
Update: When I wrote my first draft of this blog several months ago there were indeed six flavours shown. Now, there are only five. FIVE! They’ve removed my beloved Frosted Blueberry like a not so subtle shot across my bow for attempting to draw your attention to this injustice. They’re watching me. I’ll bet there are nanobots in those two scoops of “raisins” in my breakfast cereal!
I should also note that just last week I saw a display for Peanut Butter and Chocolate Pop Tarts in a deep discount grocery store here in town. They were not on the shelf but rather piled on a skid near the checkout. I am unsure if this was a one-time deal or a new product release, but that flavor is not listed on the Kellogg’s Canada website.
Move Over Baskin Robbins
Now turn your attention to the official Pop Tarts webpage in the USA and brace yourselves. They have seven, SEVEN, categories of Pop-Tarts flavours including limited edition flavours plus Pop-Tarts minis which come in blueberry and strawberry flavours and are like mini pop-tart snack bits.
Chocolate Peanut Butter
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Hot Fudge Sundae
Frosted Blue Raspberry
Brown Sugar Cinnamon
Low Fat Brown Sugar Cinnamon
Unfrosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon
Cookies & Crème
Update: Again, when I wrote the first draft it was closer to Halloween and the Limited Edition flavours included Pumpkin Pie and Spookylicious whereas the last four listed above were nowhere to be found.
That is a total of thirty-one, THIRTY-ONE (31), flavours of Pop-Tarts available in the United States of Expanding Waistbands! Canada has five, maybe six, flavour offerings available while Kellogg’s brazenly gives its fellow citizens a choice of thirty-one different flavours. A number that keeps growing and evolving, I might add. That, Americans, is a wall! One that already exists and while it may not prevent phantom terrorists from overrunning your country, it sure as hell prevents, delicious junk food from overrunning mine. Trusted allies my ass!