One could reasonably argue that blogging is a desperate plea for attention by the lonely, deranged, and/or narcissistic. Whatever the impetus for blogging, it would all be mute were it not for tools that measure readership. Pleas for attention become rather pointless without indications of having an actual audience. Not surprisingly, such tools abound from the incredibly robust to the eloquently simple. The former suitable for popular websites receiving millions of visitors daily and the latter suitable for websites, like mine, whose daily numbers are well within the mathematics curriculum mandate of most Canadian kindergarten programs.
WordPress, the platform on which many websites, including mine, is built, has in-house analytics that track all sorts of metrics designed to help me determine what is working on my blog and what isn’t. Over the past two years it has highlighted quite pointedly that nothing I’m doing is working. Such statistical information is invaluable to my wife, for example, as it exposes the startling degree to which my very survival remains completely under her control. There’s a reason “financial freedom is just a blog post away” has never been used as an advertising slogan.
While this all may sound rather depressing, at least in my particular situation, there is a slight silver lining in these data summaries. Not only do these apps count readership and dozens of related figures, but they also reveal search engine phrases that have landed visitors on my website. These are short collections of words someone entered into Google for which my blog returned, thanks to the magical mystery of Google algorithms, as a potential source for answering their query. If they go so far as to click the link to my website provided in the search results, I get notice of it in my WordPress analytics.
Now, this is far from an all-encompassing list of search terms that find me. Google is extremely secretive of such terms for unknown reasons, so there are far more terms that remain unknown to me than are revealed. This is not meant as a boast, even my unknowns remain modest in number, but for accuracy I felt it worth noting that there remains a lot I don’t know. Which is probably a good thing considering the wonderfully bizarre information that is revealed to me. One can only marvel, or perhaps cringe, when viewing some of the search terms that have actually led to complete strangers (god, I hope they were strangers) reaching my blog.
While the majority may be boring, or obvious, remarkable gems abound within the tailings pile of search engine mining and www.acrockofschmidt.com. For your enjoyment, I have collected my favourite search results here but I must warn you. Some of these are most definitely not for sensitive or young readers.
children’s book about aliens and cats
most rare cat story books in the world
Here we have two different people employing two different searches to find the exact same book. One, I might add, I have not written. Perhaps I should considering the ready-made market already within my grasp.
get well saying with a teddy bear with a guitar images
I am not the most comforting companion during times of difficulty but then I’ve never found the perfect combination of imagery to express my feelings … until now.
free money sites like my crock
No better illustration of the pitfalls of algorithms as this is undoubtedly the last thing you’ll ever get from my website.
hearing loss hypochondria
hypochondriac hearing loss
Apparently whenever I say, “what”, I’m faking.
left axis deviation health magic
This is a powerful medicinal regimen for combatting otological manifestations of hypochondria?
schmidt tasmanian devil car
Why anyone was searching for this is beyond me but what a fan-freakin-tastic idea!
have to vacuum up mom
Are you looking for instructions? A “how to” manual? I mean, it seems pretty straight forward. And using her vacuum would be a nice gesture.
disaster of my life but funny
Did it have anything to do with your mother’s ashes?
Oh come on, I have not written about nor shown any pornography on my website. But if I did, IF, it sure wouldn’t be blurry. Why would you want blurry porn? Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?
my wife has changed after swinging
*frantically checks all blog posts*
Nope, I’ve never wrote about this subject. Not sure why you were directed to my site but, umm, sorry about that. I suppose change is inevitable after such a, umm, progression in any relationship.
my wife shows her pussy to coworkers
Holy bejeebers! I didn’t ask for you to elaborate. Look, I’m sorry this happened but again, I have never written about anything like this so I really don’t know why you were sent my way. I can’t help you. Just out of curiosity, where does she work?
my son is into swinging
Ooooookaaaaaay. Like father like son, I guess, hey? Heh heh heh. Seriously, though, my son is six so this most definitely has never been discussed on my blog.
swinging with my parents
Alright buddy, that is just sick! I don’t know what you’re looking for pal but you’re not going to find it here. Now just get away from me. Now! And take your useless search engine with you or I’ll open up a can of left axis deviation health magic all over your ass!
the most horrable writen stories
It’s quite possible you are searching for something you wrote yourself.