If pornography has taught us one thing, besides the fact that women can be brought to orgasm by practically anything, it’s that lonely housewives and unsuspecting repairmen are the gin and tonic of carnal impropriety. Separately they are bitter, distasteful substances but put them together and panties are definitely coming off. I’ll offer up daytime soap operas as confirmation. With two sources of evidence as impeccable as these, surely this stuff must be happening in real life.
Which is what was going through my mind on Tuesday when the furnace repairman showed up for our yearly, over-priced HVAC maintenance. He was a man, of course; they inevitably are. Young. Friendly. I don’t know, he’s probably decent enough looking to garner a second glance from a lady or two. He’s just, well, not the tonic my gin prefers.
Nor is the carpenter renovating our neighbour’s house. Or the lawn maintenance crew that mows our other neighbour’s grass. Or the mailman who just now put more junk mail in our box. In fact, in the 17 years I’ve owned a house, I can only think of one time where a repair person, delivery person, or service person was in or around my house during the all-important, mischievous day time hours and wasn’t a man. Even then, she was only there to ratify my measurements for window blinds I had ordered online, which was entirely unnecessary imho.
The more I thought about this sitting there alone, fully clothed and bereft of even the slightest pang of yearning listening to the shuffling and banging from the basement, I became a bit perturbed. I mean, here I am, a now wily veteran of breaking social norms, a stay-at-home dad, an upright-urinating homemaker and feminism has let me down. Where are all the repairwomen, dammit? Where are the lady plumbers, the girl lawnmowers, the dame contractors, and yes, the female furnace technicians? Screw MTV, I want my plumber’s crack and I want it hairless and with lace!
More and more men are staying home to raise the kids and manage the household. We’re flagbearers for a world of equality where family responsibilities are no longer pigeon-holed to gender. My brothers and I have done our part, now more women need to step up and do their part. Without you and your brave foray into the home repair and service trades, the ridiculous fantasies of men and the tropes they spawn will remain unchanged, mired in a past where only the lonely housewife can offer to pay with something other than cash. Please. Give me that freedom too.